Broken or Crushed?

My husband is an amazingly perceptive and communicative man. Most of the time I love and admire those gifts, but a few weeks ago I didn’t like it so much. He pointed out some key issues in my life. Nothing irks a perfectionist more than a wrinkle she can’t iron out. These flaws? Can’t change ’em, can’t cover ’em. But I desperately want to make them go away, whether that means hiding them under a smooth coat of perceived change or actually digging to the root of the issue. It didn’t help much that my husband said I didn’t need to change that instant — point was I didn’t know how to live with my flawed, unchanged self.

I halted my trek to the kitchen when my thoughts hit this wall.

I couldn’t fathom how to live with myself, and I felt in my bones the lack of power to overcome myself.

These words floated through my mind: “‘Everyone who falls on that stone will be broken to pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed'” (Luke 20:18).

Finally, FINALLY, I understood those words. I understood how my sin is melded with the rest of my humanity; in fact, it’s inseparable from the good parts. Then there’s the stain of others’ sin patterns on my life. Some have seeped in, others I’ve been able to wash away. But there is no process I can use to separate the beautiful from the bad — they are swirled together in a permanent design.

What does one do when confronted with that? What do you do with cold, hard truth? I bumped up against that hardness. I felt the inevitability of breakage, but there is also a choice.

“‘Everyone who falls on that stone will be broken to pieces….'” Jesus speaks of himself as the capstone — powerful, inevitable truth.  I can accept the fact of my deeply ingrained flaws, my inability to withstand his scrutiny, and fall on him. I will be broken. Undone. And it is scary, knowing everything I control, everything familiar and comfortable, my life as I know it may be lost. What will he do with my shattered pieces?

The alternative seems even more horrific: “‘he on whom it falls will be crushed.'” This truly frightens me. To become purposefully blind to my flaws, rigid in my thinking, ruthless with others’ hearts, inflexible and unresponsive to Jesus’ whispers. Every trial and temptation I encounter would serve to further harden me. At the end, I’d be crushed under the weight of the truth I hadn’t allowed in my life. Absolutely and utterly destroyed.  This I’ve seen playing out in the life of someone close to me. It is perhaps the one thing that gives me pause, that keeps me from instantly choosing to harden myself against truth.

So there is the choice: we can either let ourselves break against truth or he will eventually break us. Not because we are wrong and must either change or be eradicated. No, it’s because he himself is truth. And he lets us choose whether we will acknowledge him or carry on to our own destruction against him.

What will he do with my shattered pieces? I choose to let myself break, but I’m so nervous about the outcome. I know in my head he can remake me into something more beautiful. Have to let that get into my heart.

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Diagnosis: Heartsick

Recently I took my 5th grade son on a tour of his new school, which happens to be my old high school. I hadn’t been there in years, and I winced at the possibility of flashbacks. Fortunately it was so altered I barely recognized it. I breathed an inward sigh of relief and thanks. Those teen years were some of the worst in my life. By the time I finished high school (crawled out, barely breathing, just survived), I had been diagnosed with ADHD and depression.

Small wonder. For years I had been verbally bullied, same kids since elementary school, no way to hide or escape. I internalized the pain, remembered every insult, relived every incident nightly. My heart was battered mute. And those last few years I went from a good student to just barely making it. Why? Where in the world had my talent gone? Why were the simplest homework assignments major struggles and timed tests nightmares? The final straw came in the form of an AP English class — something I should’ve reveled in, eaten up, breezed through. But I was floundering. I had no social life, and it looked like I would just squeak through my senior year. Small wonder the doctor prescribed Zoloft.

For five years I floated along, experiencing neither joy nor deep sorrow. A few laughs, a few tears, nothing serious. Took my vitamins, sat in front of a special “Happy Light” designed to mimic natural sunlight. I went through life in a slightly numbed state until my marriage. It was a new year of hope; God had been warming my heart, and I had a good man who really loved me. It seemed like a good time to try weaning off Zoloft, to take the risk of experiencing emotions again.

Slowly, so slowly and gently, I learned how loved I am. Each passing year has brought new depth to my relationship with my husband, an opening of old wounds so that truth could be applied, the revelation of my identity and worth as a person. Healing. Eleven beautiful years of healing.

Do you know what I realized? My heart was sick, and Zoloft only treated the symptoms. Vitamins and Happy Lights couldn’t repair the damage. I needed to be told that  I have worth and value in God’s eyes, that I could find my identity in him. I needed to be loved on, held, told how beautiful I am, told that those horrible words spoken to me were lies and I shouldn’t let them take root in me. I needed the men in my life to stand up for me and protect me, the women to share their love and affection and what it means to be a woman. All that beautiful medicine has been applied in liberal doses over the past decade, and I am no longer depressed. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick; but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life” (Proverbs 13:12).

 

I have to wonder how many of us are suffering physical symptoms of sick hearts? What might be cured if our doctors would look beyond our bodies to our hearts and minds?